Understanding Anorgasmia: When Pleasure Feels Out of Reach
By Nicole Irving, Sex Therapist | Serving Northern Virginia & Washington, D.C.
For many women and people with vulvas, orgasms can feel like a mystery—something expected, pressured, or even sometimes illusive. We’d love to think that having orgasms should be easy, but more often than not frustration sets in because they’re not always easily accessible for many reasons.
If you’ve ever felt discouraged, ashamed, or alone because you struggle to reach orgasm, just know you’re not the only one and help is available. This experience is known as anorgasmia, and it’s far more common than people think. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about and with the right help, orgasms are within reach.
But First, What Is Anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia refers to the persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm despite adequate sexual arousal and stimulation. It can happen through many different scenarios: it can happen during partnered sex, masturbation, or both. For some people, orgasm has never been part of their sexual experience (called lifelong anorgasmia), while others develop the issue later in life (acquired anorgasmia).
This can happen from a wide variety of factors, including:
Performance pressure or fear of “not doing it right”
Psychological barriers such as anxiety, shame, or trauma
Medical conditions or hormonal changes (e.g., menopause, childbirth)
Medications, especially antidepressants (SSRIs)
Relationship dynamics that limit emotional or physical connection
Lack of adequate stimulation or communication about needs
It’s important to understand: struggling with orgasm doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means there may be factors—internal or relational—that are worth exploring in a compassionate, affirming space.
How Can Sex Therapy Help?
As a Certified Sex Therapist based in Northern Virginia and Washington, D.C., I specialize in helping clients unpack the emotional, physical, and relational layers of their sexual experiences. Therapy is not about “fixing” you—it’s about rediscovering your body, voice, and pleasure on your own terms.
Here’s how working with me can help:
🔸 Uncover Root Causes
We’ll explore any underlying stressors, traumas, or belief systems that may be getting in the way of your pleasure. This might include early messages around sexuality, unresolved relationship issues, or internalized shame.
🔸 Rebuild Trust in Your Body
Using gentle, non-invasive exercises (such as body mapping, mindfulness-based practices, and sensate focus), we can help rebuild your connection to your body and tune you into what feels good—without pressure or expectation.
🔸 Enhance Communication
If you’re in a relationship, we can work on tools to improve sexual communication with your partner—helping you ask for what you need, set boundaries, and create more fulfilling sexual experiences together.
🔸 Tailored Support for You
Whether you’ve never experienced orgasm or feel like it’s become harder over time, our work together will be personalized and trauma-informed. I welcome clients of all sexual orientations, gender identities, and relationship structures.
🔸Tools and Expertise to Help Experiment with Pleasure
In sex therapy, we help you find the right tools and techniques to help you orgasm. This can range from recommended sex therapy exercises you can do at home, finding the right erotica sources to help build desire, and even recommending sex toys that help give you a boost in exploring different areas for pleasure.
🔹 How Can You Learn to Orgasm?
It’s first important to understand that learning to orgasm is not about “fixing” your body—it’s about reconnecting with it. Many people have never been taught how to explore their own pleasure without shame or pressure. If orgasm has felt elusive, these steps can help lay the foundation for rediscovery.
In sex therapy, you will become familiar with your anatomy and learn techniques to help explore different touches and tools that feel good. For people with clitorises, learning what touch or toys feel good can be a transformative experience in gaining pleasure.
Also, in sex therapy, we focus on pleasure, not performance. So many of us get so fixated on achieving an orgasm, it zaps the joy out of the whole thing! We often forget that we are there for pleasure. Learning how to “get out of your head” during sex or solo play in critical in having an orgasm. Learning grounding and mindfulness techniques that help you stay rooted in your body and out of your head is easier said than done. But working with a trained sex therapist helps you start practicing and learning how to be more present and in tune with what your body wants and needs.
Understand Your Mental Blocks & Communicating
As much as we try to be self-aware beings, when stress and anxiety are overwhelming us, we are anything but. Understanding our mental blocks, whether they’re based on anxiety, guilt, past trauma, or shame, are all pieces that interfere with orgasm. In sex therapy, we address these issues. We learn about any early messages you had about sex or pleasure, how you feel about the vulnerability of losing control, any past messages or traumatic experiences that have stifled sex and pleasure, and also start moving past any internalized beliefs about how or what “sex should be.”
As we start unpacking these issues, we also learn that sex can be for you, and you deserve to experience pleasure. We also learn how to advocate and communicate for our sexual needs with our partner(s). You are allowed to have preferences, set boundaries about what feels safe and enjoyable, and learn how to feel connected, grounded, and present during sex.
🌿 You Deserve Pleasure
Struggling with orgasm can feel isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. With the right support, education, and space to explore, you can reclaim pleasure and deepen your relationship with your body and yourself.
You are not broken, and you are not alone. Whether you’re learning to orgasm for the first time or trying to reconnect with pleasure after a difficult season, sex therapy can provide a supportive, empowering path forward.
As a sex therapist, I offer a space where we can explore these concerns together,—without shame, stigma, or judgment. If you’re ready to work with a therapist who truly understands the nuances of sexual health, I invite you to reach out. I offer sex therapy for women and individuals of all identities throughout Northern Virginia and Washington, D.C.—virtually or in person at my office in Reston, Virginia.
✨ Ready to Begin?
📞 Contact me today to schedule a consultation. Together, we can navigate your unique path to sexual wellness—with care, curiosity, and compassion.
