Why Novelty Matters in the Bedroom (and Outside It): A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Rekindling Desire
The Science Behind Why Things Start to Feel… Routine
One concern that many couples bring up in my office is that the sex in their long-term relationship is boring or routine. It’s a far cry from the passion and ecstasy that they remember at the beginning of their relationship. Many couples are exasperated and say, “Our sex used to be so passionate! I don’t know what happened!”
One things to know, is that the longer a relationship goes on, the more it is for sexual energy to shift and even decline. Looking at the science behind why the early sex in relationships is thought of as so good is the fact that is was new. Novelty drives the brain’s dopamine system — the same chemical responsible for excitement, curiosity, and anticipation. When you’re first falling in love, nearly everything your partner does feels new and exciting, which keeps desire naturally high. Most, if not all the couples I work with, have told me that in the beginning, they were having the best sex of their relationship, and they’re usually upset and flabbergasted that after years together, sex feels so routine or even like a chore.
It’s important to understand that when we’ve spent months or years together, your brain starts to adapt. Routines replace surprises, and the same touch or scenario no longer sparks the same thrill. Also, we start noticing what I all, “cracks in the vase” that our partner may not be completely perfect and we start seeing the natural flaws with being human. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is broken — it just means your nervous system has gotten too used to familiarity.
As a certified sex therapist and relationship specialist , I often explain that the challenge isn’t “losing desire” — it’s learning how to re-ignite curiosity and exploration within the safety of long-term connection.
Why Novelty Isn’t Just About Trying Something Wild in Bed
When people hear “novelty,” they often imagine lingerie, toys, or adventurous positions. Those things can certainly help, but novelty is really about new experiences that wake up the senses and reconnect you to each other’s presence.
In fact, studies show that couples who try new activities together — even non-sexual ones — report higher satisfaction both emotionally and sexually. That could mean hiking a new trail, cooking something unfamiliar, dancing together, or even changing up your date-night routine. This can be incredibly important for not only deepening emotional connection but there are benefits to be had in the bed room as well. New activities and experiences are often aphrodisiacs for a relationship. These things activate the brain’s reward and bonding systems through a chemical cascade of dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and cortisol. This increases passion and desire while also fostering long-term secure attachment.
These experiences absolutely carry over in the bedroom and can increase openness to sexual exploration as well as making sex more exciting and pleasurable.
The takeaway: novelty is a mindset more than a sexual act. It’s the willingness to bring freshness, play, and curiosity back into your connection.
How Novelty and Safety Work Together
One common misconception is that safety and novelty can’t coexist — that long-term commitment automatically kills passion. But research in sex therapy and couples counseling suggests that emotional safety actually makes novelty possible.
When partners trust each other, they can take more emotional and erotic risks. You can flirt again, express fantasies, or laugh when something awkward happens. Playfulness thrives in environments where both partners feel secure and accepted.
So if you’re feeling stuck, start by strengthening emotional intimacy: listening without judgment, giving reassurance, and practicing small acts of affection outside the bedroom. Those create the foundation for novelty to take root.
Simple Ways to Bring Novelty Back
Try one or two of these each week:
Switch locations. Move intimacy out of the bedroom — try a different room, a hotel, or even a cozy blanket fort at home.
Change the script. Instead of going straight to intercourse, focus on extended foreplay, eye contact, or sensory exploration.
Revisit your firsts. Recreate an early date or text your partner something flirty the way you used to.
Add mystery. Plan a surprise for your partner — a hidden note, a new scent, or an unexpected invitation.
Engage the senses. Music, lighting, temperature, and texture all influence desire. Experiment gently and see what feels exciting again.
When to Seek Professional Support
If the idea of novelty feels overwhelming, or if one partner is resistant to change, a certified sex therapist can help unpack what’s underneath. Sometimes “sexual boredom” masks deeper patterns like anxiety, resentment, or mismatched desire styles (for example, spontaneous vs. responsive desire).
Therapy can help couples identify what fuels their unique erotic connection — so you’re not just adding novelty for novelty’s sake, but creating experiences that genuinely feel connecting and alive.
Final Thoughts
Novelty isn’t about pressure or performance. It’s about rediscovering your partner through a lens of curiosity and play — the same spirit that brought you together in the first place.
If you’re longing to spice up your sex life or rebuild intimacy, consider reaching out for sex therapy. A supportive space can help you reconnect not just physically, but emotionally and erotically — in ways that feel fresh, safe, and in reach.
