When One Partner Wants Monogamy and the Other Wants Polyamory: How to Have Healthy, Grounded Conversations
By Dr. Nicole Irving, Ph.D, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Restorative Solutions Therapy — Serving Northern Virginia & Washington, D.C.
www.restorativesolutionstherapy.com
When Love and Values Feel at Odds
It’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves in deep emotional conflict when one partner identifies as polyamorous or non-monogamous, while the other desires monogamy and exclusivity. These differences can evoke visceral reactions—fear, loss, anger, or confusion—especially when past conversations have spiraled into blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
But these moments don’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. They often invite a deeper kind of dialogue—one focused not on agreement, but on understanding, curiosity, and negotiation.
Moving Beyond the Binary: Redefining Relationship Structures
Many people were taught to think of relationships as a binary choice: you’re either monogamous or you’re not. But in reality, relationships exist on a spectrum. Even “polyamory” isn’t one fixed structure—it can mean different things to different people.
Healthy, fulfilling relationships are often uniquely designed and negotiated to reflect the real humans inside them—their values, boundaries, capacities, and needs.
Relationships are living systems that evolve over time. What once felt right may shift as people grow, heal, or change. The healthiest couples accept that evolution as natural—and they communicate regularly about how to navigate it with honesty and respect. I tell everyone I work with that negotiation is vital in the evolution of long-term relationships. And it’s worth keeping in mind the following—-
Negotiation isn’t about losing freedom—it’s about consciously shaping connection.
Negotiation as a Fixture of Healthy Relationships
Negotiation isn’t a one-time event or a contract signed and filed away. It’s an ongoing process that asks:
What creates safety for each of us right now?
What helps each of us feel seen, respected, and secure?
What’s working, and what might need gentle revision?
Whether you’re discussing exclusivity, emotional boundaries, or the pace of change, mutual consent and emotional safety are non-negotiable foundations. Some people often come in to my office and say, “But we agreed that we were only going to be monogamous!” while others state the exact opposite. But the truth is that long-term relationships can be much more complex than that type of binary, or fixed thinking allows for. Humans are complex creatures, and life has a way of changing, shifting, or evolving in ways we don’t always consider. That’s why taking a viewpoint of collaboration, communication, as well as seeing what areas of flexibility are possible can be incredibly important for the health of a long-term relationship.
Why Thoughtful Pacing Matters
When approaching these types of discussions, it is incredibly important that the opening or closing of a relationship shouldn’t be a spontaneous leap. It requires intentional reflection, emotional regulation, and awareness of capacity. It should be approached with love, care, and respect for the person in your life, and with a mindset of growth and love.
Before making big changes, each partner should ask:
Am I emotionally resourced enough to handle potential discomfort or jealousy?
What support systems do I have (therapy, community, friends, time)?
What are my hopes vs. fears in this transition?
Taking time to explore these questions—rather than reacting impulsively—protects both partners from unnecessary rupture and fosters a sense of shared care.
Understanding, Not Agreement
The goal of these conversations isn’t to reach identical conclusions—it’s to build mutual understanding.
You can hold vastly different perspectives and still remain deeply connected. As much as we’d love to think that every dialogue ends with a perfect compromise, the truth is that these conversations must be paced, thought out, and continued over time. Also, in disagreement, it’s incredibly vital that we try to meet our partner with healthy responses and not visceral reactions.
A healthy dialogue sounds like:
“I want to understand your experience.”
“It makes sense that you’d feel that way given your background.”
“I might not agree, but I want to know what this means for you.”
That shift from convincing to understanding transforms conflict into connection.
Practical Tools for Couples Conversations
Here are a few practices I often recommend to couples navigating differing relationship values:
Body awareness first. Notice tightening, shallow breathing, or racing thoughts. These are signs you may need a pause.
Take turns. One person speaks while the other reflects back what they heard.
Set a time frame. Use a timer or agree on 30–45 minutes to avoid fatigue or flooding.
Pause for repair. If the conversation gets heated, take a break and return later with curiosity.
End with appreciation. Reflect on what you learned about each other, even if it’s uncomfortable.
When done well, these dialogues can transform resentment into insight and defensive energy into compassion.
Relationships as an Ongoing Design Project
The truth is, relationship structures don’t have to be fixed or predefined. They can be co-created, revised, and reimagined over time.
Couples who approach their connection as an ongoing design project—rather than a static contract—are more likely to sustain emotional intimacy, flexibility, and trust.
Whether you ultimately choose monogamy, non-monogamy, or something in between, the real work is about building a relationship that feels authentic, secure, and emotionally safe for both partners.
Working with a Sex Therapist Who Understands Both Worlds
As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor serving Northern Virginia and Washington, D.C., I specialize in helping couples navigate sexual and emotional disconnection, desire discrepancies, and relationship transitions—including the complex terrain of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between.
Therapy is not about choosing one label or structure—it’s about helping you communicate with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
If you and your partner are struggling to navigate these conversations, I can help you slow down, find your footing, and rebuild understanding.
Ready to Begin This Dialogue with Support?
Book a consultation: www.restorativesolutionstherapy.com
You don’t have to figure it out alone. These conversations can become a doorway to deeper connection—when guided with care and respect.
