Dr. Nicole Irving, Ph.D., LPC, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist | Restorative Solutions Therapy | www.restorativesolutionstherapy.com
You love your partner. You enjoy spending time together. You might even consider yourselves a pretty good team. But somewhere along the way, sex stopped being part of your relationship. Maybe it's been a few months. Maybe it's been years.
At first, you told yourselves it was just a phase. Work was stressful, the kids were young, or life was simply too busy. But eventually, what started as a temporary dry spell became your new normal.
And now, neither of you knows quite how to change it.
Being in a sexless marriage doesn't necessarily mean you've fallen out of love. But when the lack of physical intimacy leaves one or both partners feeling lonely, rejected, or disconnected, it's worth understanding what's happening beneath the surface.
As a certified sex therapist, I work with couples who genuinely care about each other but have lost their sexual connection. Often, the hardest part isn't the absence of sex itself. It's figuring out how to talk about it without creating more hurt, pressure, or distance.
The good news is that sexual intimacy can be rebuilt. But it usually requires more than simply deciding to have sex more often.
What Is Considered a Sexless Marriage?
The term sexless marriage is often used to describe relationships where couples have sex fewer than 10 times per year. However, this is a commonly used research or popular definition, not a clinical diagnosis or a universal standard for relationship health. Some couples have sex once a month and feel perfectly satisfied. Others have sex weekly but still feel sexually disconnected.
The more important question isn't how often you're having sex. It's whether both partners feel comfortable, connected, and satisfied with the sexual relationship they've created.
For some couples, little or no sex is a mutually fulfilling arrangement. For others, the absence of sexual intimacy becomes a source of significant distress. Perhaps one partner misses feeling desired while the other feels overwhelmed by expectations. Maybe both partners miss sex but are afraid to initiate after years of rejection or awkwardness.
When the subject becomes something you avoid discussing altogether, the problem can grow far beyond the bedroom.
Why Do Marriages Become Sexless?
Rarely does a couple wake up one morning and collectively decide to stop having sex. More often, sexual intimacy gradually disappears as partners navigate life transitions, changes in desire, emotional challenges, or negative sexual experiences.
Understanding why sex has disappeared is an important first step toward figuring out how to reconnect.
1. Desire Differences Become a Cycle of Rejection and Pressure
One of the most common patterns I see in sex therapy involves partners who experience different levels of sexual desire. One partner initiates sex and gets turned down. They feel rejected, undesirable, or unimportant. The other partner begins to anticipate sexual expectations. Affection starts to feel risky because even a hug or kiss might be interpreted as an invitation to have sex.
Eventually, both partners retreat. One stops initiating to protect themselves from rejection. The other avoids physical affection to protect themselves from pressure.
Over time, sexual intimacy disappears almost entirely. The challenge isn't necessarily that one person has a higher libido. It's that the couple has developed a pattern where sex no longer feels emotionally safe or mutually enjoyable.
If this sounds familiar, read more about how couples can overcome desire discrepancy through sex therapy.
2. Sex Becomes Another Responsibility
For couples managing demanding careers, children, household responsibilities, and everything else life requires, sex can start feeling like another item on an already overwhelming to-do list. You spend the day making decisions, meeting other people's needs, and managing responsibilities. By the time you get into bed, you want absolutely nothing from anyone.
This doesn't automatically mean you've lost attraction to your partner.
Sexual desire requires space for pleasure, attention, and connection. When someone is constantly overwhelmed or exhausted, accessing those experiences can become difficult. And when couples only attempt intimacy at the end of an exhausting day, they're often setting themselves up for disappointment.
3. You Stop Seeing Each Other as Sexual Partners
Long-term relationships require teamwork. You're managing finances, coordinating schedules, raising children, and keeping life moving. But sometimes, in becoming excellent partners in everyday life, couples lose touch with the parts of their relationship that once felt romantic, playful, or erotic. Conversations become logistical. Physical affection becomes habitual. And sexual curiosity gradually disappears.
You may still love your partner deeply but struggle to experience them as someone you desire sexually. Rebuilding intimacy often means intentionally creating opportunities to experience each other outside the roles of parent, roommate, or household manager.
4. Negative Sexual Experiences Create Avoidance
Sometimes sex disappears because it hasn't been particularly enjoyable. Maybe one partner experiences pain during intercourse. Perhaps erectile difficulties or orgasm concerns have created performance anxiety. Or sex has become so predictable, pressured, or focused on intercourse that one partner no longer looks forward to it.
When sexual experiences repeatedly involve discomfort, disappointment, or anxiety, avoiding sex can become an understandable response. This is why simply telling couples to schedule sex doesn't always work. If the underlying experience hasn't changed, putting sex on the calendar can create more dread rather than desire.
Sex therapy can help couples identify these patterns and develop a different approach to physical intimacy.
Medical assessment may also be important when pain, erectile changes, medication effects, or other physical symptoms are involved.
5. Emotional Distance and Unresolved Resentment
Sexual desire doesn't exist independently of the rest of a relationship. For some couples, unresolved arguments, ongoing resentment, broken trust, or feeling emotionally unsupported can make sexual intimacy difficult.
One partner may think, "How am I supposed to want sex when I don't even feel understood?" The other may experience physical intimacy as an important way of feeling close and connected. Neither experience is inherently wrong.
But without understanding these differences, couples can find themselves waiting for the other person to change before they're willing to reconnect.
Can a Sexless Marriage Survive?
Absolutely.
But surviving and feeling fulfilled are two different things.
Some couples genuinely prefer relationships with little or no sexual activity. If both partners are satisfied with that arrangement, there's no reason to assume their marriage is unhealthy. For couples who want a sexual relationship, however, ongoing disconnection can create significant challenges.
One partner may begin questioning whether they're still attractive. Another may feel guilty for not wanting sex. Both may become increasingly frustrated by conversations that never seem to lead anywhere.
The question becomes less about whether the marriage can survive without sex and more about whether the partners are willing to understand what's happening and work toward a relationship that feels fulfilling for both people.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage: 5 Ways to Start Rebuilding Intimacy
When couples decide they want to rebuild their sex life, their first instinct is often to focus on frequency.
"We should have sex once a week." While intentional time together can be helpful, increasing the number of sexual encounters without addressing the reasons sex disappeared can recreate the same problems.
Instead, I encourage couples to focus on changing how they experience intimacy.
1. Talk About What You Miss, Not Just How Often You're Having Sex
Conversations about a sexless marriage often begin with frustration.
"We never have sex anymore."
"You always reject me."
"You only touch me when you want something."
While these statements may reflect genuine hurt, they can also leave both partners feeling defensive.
Try shifting the conversation toward what sexual intimacy represents to each of you.
For example:
"I miss feeling wanted by you."
"I want us to be physically close again, but I don't want every interaction to feel like it has to lead to sex."
"I miss having fun together and feeling like we're more than roommates."
These conversations help couples identify the emotional experiences they've been missing, rather than focusing exclusively on sexual frequency.
2. Take the Pressure Off Intercourse
When a couple hasn't had sex in months or years, jumping straight back into intercourse can feel overwhelming.
Instead, begin rebuilding comfort with physical intimacy that doesn't have to lead anywhere. This might include cuddling, kissing, massage, or exploring touch without the expectation of arousal, orgasm, or intercourse.
In sex therapy, structured exercises such as sensate focus can help couples practice being physically present, communicating preferences, and experiencing pleasure without performance demands.
The goal isn't to use nonsexual touch as a strategy to eventually convince someone to have sex. It's to rebuild an experience of physical connection where both partners have genuine choice and can enjoy being close without pressure.
3. Expand Your Definition of Sex
For many couples, sex has become synonymous with intercourse. But sexual intimacy can involve much more than penetration.
Kissing, sensual touch, mutual pleasure, oral sex, masturbation together, and other forms of erotic connection can all be meaningful parts of a satisfying sex life. When couples expand their definition of sex, they often discover more opportunities for pleasure and connection.
This can be especially helpful when couples are navigating sexual pain, erectile difficulties, changes in arousal, or different preferences. Rather than focusing on whether a particular sexual act was successfully completed, begin asking:
Did we enjoy ourselves?
Did we feel connected?
Was this pleasurable for both of us?
4. Create Opportunities for Desire Instead of Waiting for It
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual desire is that it should always appear spontaneously. You should look at your partner, suddenly feel turned on, and naturally want to have sex.
While some people experience desire this way, others experience what's known as responsive desire. For someone with responsive desire, interest in sex may emerge after they begin experiencing pleasurable stimulation, closeness, or erotic engagement. This doesn't mean anyone should push themselves into unwanted sexual activity. It means that when someone is open to intimacy but isn't initially feeling strong desire, creating the right conditions may allow desire to develop.
Consider what helps you transition out of your everyday responsibilities and into a more relaxed, receptive state. Perhaps it's having uninterrupted time together, feeling emotionally connected, enjoying flirtation throughout the day, or knowing that sex won't come with pressure to perform.
Desire isn't always something you wait for. Sometimes it's something you intentionally make room for.
5. Rebuild Your Sexual Relationship Together
After a prolonged period without sex, couples sometimes assume they should be able to return to the sexual relationship they once had. But people change. Your bodies, preferences, responsibilities, emotional needs, and relationship dynamics may be very different from when you first met. Rather than trying to recreate your sex life from ten years ago, consider what a fulfilling sexual relationship could look like today.
What kinds of touch do you enjoy now?
What makes sex feel stressful or unappealing?
What would you like to explore together?
What would make physical intimacy feel more pleasurable, relaxed, and mutually satisfying?
Approaching your sex life with curiosity allows you to build something that reflects who you are now, rather than who you used to be.
What If Only One Partner Wants to Fix the Sexless Marriage?
This can be one of the most painful parts of navigating a sexless relationship.
One partner may feel desperate to reconnect while the other seems uninterested in addressing the issue. Sometimes that reluctance reflects anxiety, shame, or fear that seeking help will mean being pressured into sex. Other times, partners genuinely have different priorities or desires for their relationship.
It's important to recognize that no one owes their partner sex. At the same time, wanting a fulfilling sexual relationship is a legitimate desire that deserves to be taken seriously. Both partners need room to express their experiences without being labeled as the problem. If your partner isn't ready for couples therapy, individual sex therapy can still help you understand your own needs, explore relationship patterns, and consider your next steps.
When Should You Consider Sex Therapy for a Sexless Marriage?
You don't need to wait until years have passed or resentment has built up before seeking support. If you and your partner are struggling with sexual intimacy and aren't sure how to move forward, sex therapy can help you better understand what's happening and begin making meaningful changes.
Sex therapy may be especially helpful if:
You've stopped having sex and aren't sure how to reconnect.
Conversations about intimacy often lead to conflict, frustration, or avoidance.
One partner feels rejected while the other feels pressured to have sex.
Sexual pain, performance anxiety, or other sexual concerns make intimacy difficult.
You love each other but no longer feel sexually connected.
You've tried scheduling sex, communicating more, or making intimacy a priority without seeing meaningful changes.
Sex therapy provides a space to explore these challenges without placing blame on either partner. It's not about convincing one person to want more sex or expecting the other to settle for less. Instead, the focus is on understanding the barriers to intimacy, improving communication, and finding ways to build a sexual relationship that feels comfortable, enjoyable, and fulfilling for both partners.
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) recognizes sex therapy as a specialized approach to addressing concerns involving sexual desire, arousal, satisfaction, and other challenges affecting sexual relationships.
If you're curious about what working with a sex therapist might look like, you can also read my article on how sex therapy can help couples in a sexless relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions About Sexless Marriage
Is it normal for married couples to stop having sex?
Periods of reduced sexual activity can happen in long-term relationships, particularly during stressful life transitions, illness, parenting, or changes in sexual functioning. The absence of sex isn't automatically a problem. What matters is whether both partners are satisfied with their relationship and feel able to discuss their needs.
How long is too long to go without sex in a marriage?
There is no universal timeline. Some couples are comfortable going months without sex, while others experience significant distress after a shorter period. Rather than comparing your relationship to someone else's, consider whether the current dynamic feels fulfilling for both partners.
Can you rebuild intimacy after years without sex?
Yes, some couples successfully rebuild sexual intimacy even after years of disconnection. The process often involves addressing underlying relationship patterns, reducing pressure, rebuilding comfort with touch, and developing a new understanding of pleasure and desire. Progress varies depending on each couple's circumstances and willingness to participate.
Does a sexless marriage mean my partner isn't attracted to me?
Not necessarily. Sexual desire is influenced by many factors, including stress, physical health, emotional wellbeing, relationship dynamics, and previous sexual experiences. A lack of sexual activity doesn't automatically mean attraction or love has disappeared.
Can couples therapy help a sexless marriage?
Yes. Couples therapy and specialized sex therapy can help partners understand why intimacy has declined, address difficult relationship patterns, and develop practical strategies for reconnecting emotionally and sexually.
Rebuilding Intimacy Starts With Understanding What's Changed
If you're in a sexless marriage, it's easy to feel discouraged, especially when you've already tried talking about it, planning date nights, or promising to make sex more of a priority.
But rebuilding intimacy isn't simply about trying harder.
It's about understanding what has changed in your relationship, identifying what makes sexual connection difficult, and learning how to create experiences that feel pleasurable and meaningful for both partners.
You don't have to recreate the sex life you once had. You can build a new one that works for the relationship you have today.
Looking for Sex Therapy or Couples Counseling?
I'm Dr. Nicole Irving, PhD, and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist specializing in sexual desire differences, sexless relationships, and intimacy challenges.
At Restorative Solutions Therapy, I provide virtual sex therapy and couples counseling for individuals and couples throughout Oregon, Washington State, Virginia, and Washington, DC.
My approach combines evidence-informed interventions, practical strategies, and a nonjudgmental space to help couples understand what's keeping them stuck and begin creating meaningful change.
If you're ready to explore how sex therapy can help your relationship, learn more about my practice and getting started.
